It’s been a little radio silent here on the blog, and that’s not lost on me. I think about writing all the time, I’ve just been feeling a little uninspired and lacking the energy lately. Possibly because our sweet little babe has been sick which has been a bummer because it was her 3rd birthday on Tuesday. Thankfully, she’s on the mend and we’re going to be celebrating princess style on Sunday.
Life has been great lately, I’ve met with some really great local entrepreneurs who I’m going to team up with to produce some awesome content in a thoughtful way and I can not wait to share more about that soon. After 6 years at my current company, I was finally given the golden ticket to attend a conference this week in Phoenix. Seems silly, but as an administrative assistant, we’re usually overlooked when it comes to developmental opportunities. Thankfully my new boss has broken that pattern for me, and I am so so thankful.
I am also really thankful more than ever to have my family close by lately, because they’ve been a huge support for me emotionally. Like I said, life is grand, but I am here to talk about a different kind of #metoo today.
In the conference I attended this week that was digitally and marketing focused, the #metoo movement managed to seep it’s way into a keynote. I tried to stay engaged throughout the talk but I couldn’t help but think of something…. what other kind of “me too’s” exist out there? Isn’t this the delight and the bane of our existence? Don’t we as humans feel connected to someone who is authentic and real and unafraid to own their story?
I always say that I am passionate about the power of connection, and that in my quest to find my voice in my online presence, I promise to keep it real. Why do I like human connection so much? Why do I feel energized by someone who I meet and instantly BAM we are getting down and dirty with more than just small talk, and talking like we’ve known each other forever?
There are a few girls on my new team at work who embody this. I could cry just writing about it. We were instant soul sisters. Their friendship was instantly special to me and I am beyond grateful to know them intimately. It feels so amazing to have someone say “you were meant to be here.” I’ve never had that in a work environment before and it’s already enriched me in ways I didn’t know possible.
In the few short months I’ve already had to lean on them for some real heavy stuff and they haven’t stopped to judge me for one moment. That is the golden elixir of life right there. Non judgemental female support.
A few months ago, I got the best news someone who is trying to conceive could get. A positive pregnancy test. My husband and I were delighted and excited and we started dreaming of what the future and this tiny human would look like. We had big cheesy smiles on our faces when our daughter would come up and sit with us, imagining her as a big sister is just too much to handle. She’s going to be the best big sister someday.
It was at the end of November, so we planned on surprising our families as a Christmas present.
Only a few short days later, I went to the restroom and was shaking when I realized that something was wrong. I called my husband in and was frozen with fear.
“I’m sure it’s nothing, right? They say a little bleeding is normal. Everything’s OK isn’t it?”
I started doing my research and suddenly realized that the timing was off for implantation symptoms and reality started to sink in. It was then I learned what a “chemical pregnancy” was, a pregnancy that basically doesn’t implant but your body start producing hormones, hence the positive test. I was devastated. Cue the ugly crying.
Fast forward about a month later, I take another test. I am elated- it’s positive again! I called my doctor and made an appointment that next day.
I marched in with a big smile on my face, surely it will work this time. In the exam room I was running the dates with the nurse and going through a play by play. She was really distracted the entire time, looking at charts with a furrowed brow. She left the room and came back in to tell me she was waiting for a doctor to come do an ultrasound, something wasn’t adding up. She assured me that we would get it figured out.
I started to feel a little nervous at this point. The doctor identified the pregnancy through an ultra sound but it was only measuring at about 3 weeks. They told me to not worry, it could just be strange timing considering my miscarriage the month before. I would then go on to do a series of blood tests to check my hormone levels.
After the first test, the nurse called to me, “Great news! Your hormone levels are right in line with an early pregnancy.” She explained that I would have to get my next results back to see how my hormone levels were trending.
A few days later I got the call while I was in a meeting and I stepped out to take it. “Your hormone levels have dropped, and we need you to come in right away.”
After being really hopeful just 2 days before, my world came crashing down again. I walked into my boss’ office in tears, explaining that I was having some health problems and needed to leave right away. Another ultrasound was done and I got the call the next day that the pregnancy sac was empty. It’s possible that this was left over from the first miscarriage. Or it could be a completely new and incomplete pregnancy. They told me I would need to come back in to discuss how we were going to move forward.
I couldn’t believe that I was in this position. Again. With Clara, she was a bit of a surprise. We had only been dating 7 months and I became pregnant and had a perfect pregnancy. Now here we are trying to conceive and things are not going the way they are supposed to.
Luckily, only 2 days after receiving the news mother nature kicked in and took care of things for me. I didn’t have to have any procedures done to expel the pregnancy.
It was one of the most painful things I’ve ever gone through, emotionally and physically. I never went into labor with Clara and that miscarriage was 2 straight hours of labor like pain. Possibly a little TMI, but I say this because I was very very early on in a pregnancy. I get emotional thinking about anyone who experiences a later miscarriage. Seriously, my heart goes out to all of you.
I say all of you, because I know you’re out there. I know I know you. I know you’ve gone through this and you’ve remained silent because “that’s what you’re supposed to do.”
I shared my story with another sweet angel I work with and I came in to work a few days ago to the most beautiful flowers and a card that read, “I’ve been thinking of you since last week. I hope these brighten your day and that SOON you’ll be able to share good news. Sending good thoughts your way.”
Of course I bawled like a baby. When I thanked her for the amazing gesture, she reassured me that she knows that what I’m going through is really common but people don’t talk about it, and that she had my back. I mean, WOW. That was so thoughtful and unexpected and made the biggest difference in how I was feeling that day.
So ladies, I’m here to open up a dialogue. I’m here to say #metoo.
I too have experienced the pain of a deflated dream and failed expectations. I too have questioned if there is something wrong with me. My husband has even jumped on that bandwagon.
I’m also here to tell you to own your story, and lean on women that you trust. By sharing my pain with others, I have learned who my true warriors are and I have made deep connections with people that are special to me. Some people may think it’s strange that I’m so open about this stuff, but I believe the reward of the support is far greater than caring about what anyone thinks at this point.
We all have our struggles in life, and chances are we are never ever alone. We do not need to suffer in silence.
Just like the card said, I hope to be able to share good news in the near future. We want to expand our family. In the meantime, I keep reminding myself how blessed I already am, and once again that I am not alone.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s really personal but it’s a message that I feel compelled to get out. If you are going through something hard and need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. There’s empowerment in the #metoo movement and it’s not only about sexual harassment. It’s about connecting with our soul sisters and showing our support.
If you’ve gone through what I’ve written about today, I hope you find comfort in my story. You’re not alone, and that has been comforting to me to know that people I know and love have gone through this too and went on to have healthy sweet little babes. We’re waiting on our rainbow. <3
Sending sunshine on a cloudy day,